by Tom Tomaszewski | Jun 20, 2024 | ALIENATION
Try changing the signal you put out into the world. If you limit yourself, always making sure you take the minimum of what’s on offer, and this somehow makes you feel safe – take more. People who know you and worry about the way you restrict your life (maybe not friends who do things the same way as you) are unintentionally confirming the feeling you have that something unsafe is going on. Their anxiety suggests uncertainty or risk. Your predicted restrictive behaviour seems like the right one: the way to remain safe when there’s a threat around. Fear surrounds you.
If you ask for more then you might find those same people relax and give you more encouragement, or joy. At first this feels very weird and wrong. After a time, however, you may start to feel safe. The atmosphere around you corroborates this. There’s no threat.
Life is really not this simple. But it’s worth a try.
by Tom Tomaszewski | Jun 12, 2024 | HELPLESSNESS
It’s useful to know why something is troubling. If I feel too hot I might need to move out of the sun. If I have a headache I might need a glass of water. These kinds of problem are different from psychological ones like why do I behave like this? Why did he do that to me? Pandora’s box opens the moment we begin looking for meaning in our motives, or for motives in our actions – especially ones where we don’t intend something to happen. More often than not looking for this kind of meaning is a ticket to Stucksville. (more…)
by Tom Tomaszewski | Jun 3, 2024 | ALIENATION, HESITATION
As I’ve written elsewhere, individualism is a particular problem. There has always been a group of people attached to anybody who calls themselves an individual: the artists who we admire, the leaders who we follow, or whoever. If you really want to succeed in your life; if you want to thrive, you must not overlook the social.
Frank O’Hara might never have published Lunch Poems if Lawrence Ferlinghetti hadn’t gone on asking him about lunch. Lou Reed’s Perfect Day was perhaps more Mick Ronson and David Bowie than Lou Reed. Donald Trump is a paean to everybody who has ever wanted to be an individual. And so on.
by Tom Tomaszewski | Jun 2, 2024 | FRUSTRATION, HELPLESSNESS
Don’t let things fizzle out. Try to keep a definite focus on the things that you do. When you finish an event, a project, a show, a party, a whatever, try to shift into something else as if you are stepping into another room. If you feel vague or anxious or what gets called ‘lazy’, take a moment to step into that new thing. You’ll carry forward the energy from whatever you’ve just done. If you need to stop something without completing it make sure you end in the middle of things: mid-sentence, feeling in mid-air. (more…)
by Tom Tomaszewski | Jun 2, 2024 | Be Somebody Else
Asking someone to list the pros and cons they associate with doing something is a good way to help them make a decision. It’s a method I learned while I was running therapy groups for people with addiction and dependency problems. In those groups ‘doing the next right thing’, was crucial. Everybody in the group spoke not only about bad decisions concerning drinking, drug-taking, gambling and so on but in other areas of their lives – every area.
These days I still do pros and cons lists with anybody who’s interested. They’re about more than making a balanced decision. They tell me, and they can tell you, what you think you need in life and how you go about getting it. These things may need adjusting. Try doing one with somebody else and see what you both make of it. (more…)
